Sunday, July 13, 2014

My Wondrous AND Gut Wrenching Trip to Colorado.....Rated "R" for Raw Emotions Revealed ;) Hastypearl


My Wondrous AND Gut Wrenching Trip to Colorado
Rated "R" for Raw Emotions Revealed ;)

Hastypearl

Most of you know by now, that for our entire adult lives, we have dreamed of owning a home in 
Redstone, Colorado, and that our dream recently came true!

I had always fantasized about having a Mountain Home and sharing it with my family and friends. 
That part came true as well, as my oldest son and family recently joined me there.

 Fantasies are just that...we only include good parts. 
We certainly don't include negatives in our fantasies!

Firstly, it became apparent early on in the trip planning stage, 
that my husband wouldn't be joining me, but rather, he had to stay in Texas and work. 
Downer!
I was pleased, that my son, DIL and granddaughter chose to go ahead and come, 
even though Larry wouldn't be with us.

To start, weeks before, I began realizing ALL of the FIRSTS, that this trip would present for me.
First time to travel alone. I know. Im 58, and Ive never flown alone.
Everywhere we ever went, we've traveled together.
But, I WANTED to fly alone, drive my rental...alone.
I WANTED to accomplish that THING.
I did and it went well.

The kids arrived and the fun began!

I told my son, that I was aware, that this was THEIR families vacation too, and I wanted to provide them opportunities to do things on their own...AND for me to be with them.
I think that we accomplished that, well.




God in His Perfect ways, allowed me time with each of them alone.
What a Gift.

There isn't ANYTHING that you want MORE, as a mother, I don't care how Old your kids are, 
than to spend time with them.
Phillip and I did that.
A Gift.
We went on an secret architectural artifact gathering mission and had a great time!
As we walked around, mostly so I could show him a particularly beautiful canyon that Larry loves to fish in,  we rounded the corner, and it was as if it had been lit by the best in Hollywood, was this great Dandelion.
We both love photography, so our cameras started snapping.
A Gift.



Our Grand, Katherine Anne, is 4 1/2 this year.
Living far away, our relationship, has so far been mostly through Skype.
Poets have already battled with trying to describe, the deep emotions that accompany having/loving a grand, so I wont even attempt to better them, but if you have one/them...you already KNOW what I felt being around her.
Little by little, we got to know each other.
Was that made easier by my being there alone...probably.
Another Gift.



There is Nothing but Joy to be had, by being with your family and
watching their dynamics and knowing that you have already done it.

You Know that you are outside of that unit, but its OK.
They are making their way as they should.
Its wonderful to see it happening.
A Gift.



There wasn't anything to be done, but to PLAY, LAUGH, DANCE and fall in Love.




Flashes of remembrance came constantly, of when my boys were her age.
Where do the days go?




Discoveries happened constantly.
Can you see her mouth open in the astonishment of their discovery?



Time. We had it. We used it.
A Gift.


Unprepared, at exactly 24 hours before they left...as if a switch was flipped on, 
I got an intense flood of emotion.
Its hitting me now again, as I type.

I felt Loss.
It was physical. 
Like someone had kicked me in the stomach.
Churning.
It took me hours, just to find a phrase to satisfy.

I thought to myself...THIS is Gut Wrenching.
There wasn't a display. I just lived with it. Slept with it. Woke with it.

You see, I had dreamed of our place in the mountains, to share with people that we loved, 
but I hadn't calculated in, that they would ALL GO HOME!

Yes, I've felt this before. 
Parents feel it, EVERY-TIME, but I have always been in my full time home, 
surrounded with familiarity, family, furry friends, my nest.

This time. I was in a New Place. 
Alone.

Before they left the next morning, the word Visceral, popped into my head.

That happens to me.

God completes the dangling thought.
Sends the word that is needed to spread a salve over the sorrow.

I looked it up...

Visceral. 
of or relating to the viscera "the nervous system" *relating to deep inward feelings rather than to the intellect
gut, deep-down, deep-seated, deep-rooted, inward

My mother has talked about it our whole lives...how we wont ever love her like she loves us.
That's not because we are bad. Its just the design.

When I experience something like this, 
I like to practice thinking about it with interest to the process of how the/my human mind and body works, and I did that.
That is to say...I was aware, of when my body would feel something completely without my telling it to.
It just Did It!

What was happening, was perfectly normal.
It happens to people, to hearts...Every Day.
Its an interesting study when its happening and really the best way to grab the experience and realize that it is just part of the package.
A Gift.




Do we Want to experience Deep Emotions?
Sometimes.
But generally speaking, I think its a good system, that we Only think about the good parts...having a home and sharing it with people that we Love Deeply...and not concerning ourselves with the hard parts like sending them home and staying in a new place alone.

Im glad to say, that Wonderful things flooded in after that...
including watching the moon and stars through a wall of windows all night long, where you are so high up, you feel closer to the sky.
  
I met new people and experienced perfect little surprises, each just at the right time.

The Gut Wrenching faded...but not totally.
I don't want it to.
Its a reminder of how Blessed I am to have people that bring so much happiness and that have enough of a Wonderful Hold on me that my body will feel deeply for and do powerfully weird things...
without me telling it to.

Wow!!! What a Gift.

Thanks for stopping by and reading this blog.
This posting was a bit of a departure from what I usually write, 
but I'm glad for the forum to share my feelings...

If you would like to, I invite you to sign up on the right side of my page, to receive email notices of my postings.

Now, go and have a Emotionally Creative Day!

xo Laura  











4 comments:

  1. Very poignant and I know exactly what you mean.

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    1. Peggy, that is what I have heard over and over. Guess its just part of the job :) Laura

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  2. So beautifully written. I have experienced this pain, a gift and yes, so blessed at the same time. Thank you for sharing your heart.
    Love ya'll,
    Judy Abell

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    1. Thanks for checking in....Mom :) Laura

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